3 Reasons Why League of Legends is a Terrible Game That Everyone Should Play

For those of you not in the know, League of Legends is a free-to-play online game where combatants control characters to move around a map to beat the snot out of one another. There is more to it than that, but nuance would only clutter up this article, so it’s best discarded.

Before I start listing the atrocities that plague this game like fleas on the backs of Mountain Dew-drinking bilge rats, I want to acknowledge something: most of these characteristics may or may not also be equally applicable to the game DotA. I want to acknowledge something else: I don’t care, because I don’t play DotA. With that out of the way, let’s get to the list.

3. The Players

You play on teams, usually consisting of four other players and yourself. You square off against a different team consisting of a different five players. Before you begin to play, you can chat with your team-mates to determine which character you should pick, where on the map you should focus your efforts, and so on. That part usually works out okay. Once play starts, you may notice that you can chat during the game with your teammates and the other team.

Why it’s terrible:
If you’ve never encountered anonymous, faceless online gamers in spheres like the Halo games or WoW, you are in for a treat.

Haha, just kidding; it's really more like someone stealing your treat and then smearing it on the sidewalk
Haha, just kidding; it’s really more like someone stealing your treat and then smearing it on the sidewalk

Players on LoL tend to resort to childish name-calling exceedingly quickly. In fact, insults occur every almost every game. While I have no statistics to back that up, I maintain it to be true. Here’s the kicker: most of these oh-so-witty verbal barbs won’t be coming from the other team. No, the comments about your mother’s personal life will most likely be spewed onto the screen by the very people you are supposed to be working with. What fun.

Did you happen to die early? Get ready to be called everything in the Junior High Book of Schoolyard Insults. Did someone else on your team charge into an area blindly? Prepare to get blamed for that. Did you forget to mention that someone on the other team disappeared, and might be sneaking up on someone else on your team? Well, that one actually is your fault. Don’t do that. To put it succinctly, LoL players are the most whiny, toxic players I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

The irony of this article being nothing but an itemized complaint list is not lost on me
The irony of this article being nothing but an itemized complaint list is not lost on me

Why you should still play:
Two words: The Tribunal. Once you’ve played enough games, you will have the authority to rule over cases that have been reported by other players. You can see the chat logs, and see? Right there where the offending character dropped six F-bombs and a racial epithet? You get to punish him for that.

Seriously, the red button actually says “Punish”
Seriously, the little red button actually says “Punish”

2. The Champions

League of Legends features an astonishing one hundred and fourteen champions to choose from; given enough time or money, you can unlock them all. Otherwise, you can choose from a free champion rotation that changes each week to try out different play styles until you get someone comfortable for you. Sounds good, right?

Why it’s terrible:

WRONG
WRONG

It turns out that the plethora of characters can be very frustrating when you start playing. Imagine you have just finished playing your first game against five champions; you think you have an idea of what everyone can do, and you know what mistakes to try to avoid in the future. Well guess what?! You might go ten games without ever seeing any of those particular characters again! HAHA!

This also ties back into the first issue: whining. If you like a certain character, prepare to have others complain about how unfair that particular character is. It will come up. Maybe not your first game, maybe not your twentieth, but someone will start complaining about how evil you as a person are for choosing that character.

Hot pink is such an OP color
Hot pink is such an OP color

Why you should still play:
The variety is amazing. Once you’ve gotten the hang of certain concepts (Don’t get near the turrets unless the little guys are there first, always move around, watch you map), you get to the point where the differences between champions starts to matter less and less. There are differences to be sure, but part of the fun becomes testing the waters with these strange, kill-happy newcomers.

This happy little guy makes the big shark come out of solid ground to eat you alive. FUN!
This happy little guy makes the big shark come out of solid ground to eat you alive. FUN!

Embrace the chaos. It’s all part of the pleasure. And get used to it; new champions sprout up about once a month, showing no signs of slowing down.

1. The Time

No this is not about some existential crisis about the inevitability of old age coming on; it’s about game time. An average game of LoL will run you anywhere from thirty minutes to an hour to play.

Why it’s terrible:
That is far too long to be playing a game with no pause feature. This means no bathrooms breaks, no helping out around the house, no having conversations with anybody else, no dealing with household emergencies. You are locked into this game, and there’s no way out except victory or defeat.

Yeah, hold on, honey, I’ve almost taken this tower down. Could you turn up the AC, by the way?
Yeah, hold on, honey, I’ve almost taken this tower down. Could you turn up the AC, by the way?

You can’t just leave; strangers on the internet are depending on you to win a trivial game in which several groups of pixels are trying to destroy one another! Plus, if you go “afk” too often, you are liable to get reported, which in turn might get you … punished.

That would essentially be the online-gaming version of Heart of Darkness, but with less hope for the future
That would essentially be the online-gaming version of Heart of Darkness, but with less hope for the future

Why you should still play:
I actually don’t have a justification for this. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by the pause button, but consider this: that button was created for a reason. Darn good ones, I’d wager. This, more than anything else, frustrates me away from playing more often.

Still, it is a good game. And hey, it’s free!
-Cabbagetroll

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